I tell you, I had a hard time deciding on a name for this because pride is complex and there are many different kinds. You have, on one hand, that true narcissistic pride which sees no fault in itself and there is no point even writing about that because a narcissist will never see themself in it so why bother? Then there is the healthy sort of pride in one’s own hard-earned accomplishments and there is nothing wrong with that either. But what I want to discuss here is what I call “hangup pride” or “insecure pride.” It is the kind of pride that protects a fragile ego instead of projecting a strong ego. It is a very dangerous sort of pride not connected to healthy self-esteem but rather self-centered protection that is ultimately damaging to self and others.
This is the fourth in a series that has previously covered shame, rejection, and neediness.
Although this sort of pride predates the internet, online social media has become a veritable playground for people who suffer from self-esteem issues in real life. This oftentimes results in posters reveling in relative anonymity and indulging in the sort of bravado that they could never muster up the courage to engage in in real life (sometimes because of their fear of being punched in the face when they do deserve it). This can be bad or good, of course–even Paul noted how bold he was in writing and how meek he was in person. I can totally relate to that by the way. But the Apostle Paul didn’t seem to suffer from any sort of self-esteem issues! Quite the contrary. He was confident and put his life on the line often in the preaching of the Gospel to the heathen Gentile world. He was motivated by a love borne in Him by God and Paul was confident and bold in that love and in his mission. So, that’s not what I am talking about here–not the love that sacrifices self for others but instead the love/hate of self that endangers others in its insecurity.
Have you ever run into someone who is seemingly bold but cannot be told they are wrong? Maybe people so determined to be right that they will lie or promote lies in defense/promotion of their agendas and opinions? Or maybe someone willing to shift blame and lie about themselves and others in order to evade the shame of having been caught in error or sin? How about those who ruthlessly lash out against and demean those with whom they disagree (even if only passive-aggressively)? And when they go on later to find out they actually were wrong, refuse to apologize and sidestep the issue entirely so that they are still correct? People who don’t know the difference between truth, speculation, and opinions yet are willing to destroy others in defense of them? People who refuse to be held accountable by anyone?
There are people who will rush in and proclaim, “narcissist”! But haven’t we seen that word overused by folks way too much? Isn’t it just an easy insult (often a cheap shot meant to discredit) instead of an actual professional diagnosis? We make such words sadly meaningless in a world where all you have to do is hold a person accountable for their own bad acts in order to be called that. I wish people would toss that word away and allow it to be used exclusively by those who know how to use it.
Insecure pride is very much insecure and very much prideful. People who qualify for this label project an aura of pride, but that pride is so fragile that it cannot bear being threatened. Everything they do has to somehow be justified–even when they know in their hearts that it cannot be. People whose pride is insecure are therefore untrustworthy and I know that is going to hurt people to read but it is very much true. A person who cannot admit error is not trustworthy because they do not live in the real world. They see the sins of others (although sometimes they cannot see the sins of loved ones because that is also tied together with their own shaky self-esteem) but when faced with their own sins, their minds immediately put up walls of excuses.
An insecure and prideful person might realize that they have said something cruel for an instant and then their egos swoop in to cover it up, “Oh I was only speaking the truth in love.” Or maybe, “Sometimes the truth hurts.”
Or perhaps they find out that they have spoken and promoted lies and, again, their egos come to their “rescue”, “Well, my intentions were good so it really wasn’t wrong. The ends justify the means.” Or my favorite, the unspoken “If I don’t lie then they won’t change their mind.”
How about when faced with personal failure? Oh, that’s actually someone else’s fault or they were treated unfairly–anything but just facing and admitting the failure that all people experience and healthy people can cope with.
People with insecure pride–their minds work overtime in order to make themselves the heroes and martyrs of their own life stories. Being normal folks who succeed and fail, who can be jerks and who can be wrong–well, that just ain’t gonna cut it. They have a neurotic need to be unassailable, unchallenged, and to have the illusion of being perfect because their self-esteem is based on an illusion of perfection. An illusion that is driving them increasingly toward sin and imperfection.
But all that I have related–it’s all a life based on self-deception. And those who deceive themselves will deceive others as well. They will lie about things and about circumstances and about people and they have often become so adept at fooling themselves that they might only feel a momentary twinge of conscience before their minds move in to excuse and shut that nagging voice of reason down. You see, in a person with insecure pride, the conscience and the Holy Spirit which convicts are natural-born enemies to the fragile ego. I can tell you this personally because I used to be that person who could not admit error, who would lie rather than take responsibility, and who would shrug off the conviction of the Spirit.
I’ll tell you when I started to stop all that–when I was taken before the throne of God and judged for it. That’s right, that’s how bad I was. God had to translate me to His throne room in order to get me to start facing the truth about myself, my intentions, and my lies. Of all the things in my life, I am probably the least proud of this episode. I was destined for the ministry and I was begging Him to change me but that was the first step and it was painful beyond belief. No one wants such a hefty dose of truth all in a moment. No one wants to see the truth of their every word, thought, and deed. I could no longer effectively hide from who I was. There are no lies in the presence of God.
And in the years since then, sometimes I am a goober head still but it’s easier for Him to convict me now. I am no longer under the delusion that I am always right, or that it is dangerous to admit error (and even publicly, no more hiding!), or that my worth as a person hinges on always winning and never being shamed. When I was like that, I couldn’t be trusted because a person like that can do anything, excuse anything, and justify anything. I wasn’t a safe person because you couldn’t trust what I was saying–everything revolved around making sure that I wasn’t perceived as being anything less than perfect and sadly, even if someone else had to look bad in order for me to achieve that goal. I always secretly felt that humiliation would somehow kill me when all it really did was reveal my insecurity.
Goodness, you want to avoid humiliation? Do you think it will kill you to admit error? The God whose Bible contains very unflattering descriptions of even His greatest servants isn’t really interested in our trying to maintain an aura of perfection.
I understand that this is a kind of long ramble, but I hope you get my point in writing this. We cannot be the kinds of people who lie to ourselves and others in pursuit of feeling comfortable and safe and correct. It is anathema to the Kingdom, a curse to the people in it. The first casualty in our quest to maintain the illusion of our insecure pride might be the truth but that is never the last casualty. With me, being judged and being progressively set free in this area began with a simple prayer, “Lord, please kill me before you allow me to hurt others the way I have been hurt.” In the Kingdom, we must be willing to die in order to serve; otherwise, we will kill in order to have the illusion of being perfect servants.
