I remember getting the social media friend request from a complete stranger. I accepted it on my home computer right before Mark and I drove the forty-five minutes down to Costco in Pocatello, Idaho. This was in my “pre-smartphone” days (yes, I have only been plugged in for 2 1/2 years now and I still only rarely have messenger functioning) and so you can just imagine my shock when, three hours later, I return home to a bunch of hostile messages:
Her:
*wave*
“Hello, new friend!”
“Hey there, how are you?”
“Are you there?”
“Boy, it must be nice having SO MANY FRIENDS that you can ignore people who are reaching out!!”
I will spare you where it went from there.
So, I got home and found all this, reading with growing disbelief, and replied,
Me: “I was shopping. We had to drive to another town and shop. I don’t have Facebook on my phone because it’s a flip phone. Even if I did, why do you expect me to always be on my phone and why do you think I have an obligation to answer your messages right away?”
Her: “Oh, well maybe I was wrong. How are you today?”
Me: “You WERE wrong. Otherwise, I am a liar.”
Her: “Oh well, it’s no big deal.”
Me: “It is a big deal, you just subjected an absolute stranger to abuse because you figured that by accepting your friend request I owed you my undivided attention and when you didn’t get it you got really nasty and you haven’t even had the decency to apologize. You’re still holding out hope that this is actually just a misunderstanding but I understand perfectly–you are always going to be demanding and I don’t have time to deal with a demanding stranger.”
I unfriended this person and blocked further messages because I recognized the poison of neediness coupled with entitlement. A lot of people are needy but when it is coupled with an unfettered entitlement complex then they need counseling and an in-person relationship to get through it. I am well aware of the limitations of my skillset coupled with the inadequacy of Facebook messenger. Dealing with an already hostile and needy individual who is quick to jump to conclusions, when she can’t see the look on my face or hear the tone of my voice, was just going to be one big mistake. Any further communication was going to feed right into her paradigms.
But, you know, I have also been that needy person–just not with the added hostility. And I see neediness crop up in so many people’s lives in so many ways but it always comes down to the same thing–we have developed an unreasonable expectation that we can find significance and joy only in others or in stuff and our lives become a reflection of that misperception. Neediness, however, is never about actual needs–it is about desires. A desire not to be lonely anymore. A desire not to feel pain or sadness. A desire for significance. A desire for respect. A desire to be attractive. A desire to be approved of.
We all have these desires, and a little bit of these is okay, but neediness is when they get out of control and they rule over us and do harm to anyone else who gets close.
A single parent whose desire to not be alone anymore outweighs their good sense will often subject their children and themselves to terrible abuses in the quest to satisfy that neediness.
A desire not to feel pain or sadness often ends in addictions to food, sex, porn, online gaming, alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs.
A desire for significance, and especially when it is sought out in the ministry, can destroy lives as one person’s desires swallow up an entire congregation or community.
A desire for respect often manifests in manipulation and lies in order to maintain the illusion of being worthy of that respect–not to mention the tearing down of anyone who threatens that respect in any way.
A desire to be attractive can become a financial and emotional pit of despair as people spend more and more money on cosmetics, clothing, surgery, and worship their own perceived image at the gym.
A desire for approval–that can be the most deadly of all. I have seen people completely deny themselves in the quest to be approved of and I have also seen them destroy anyone who seems to disapprove.
As I said, a little bit of each of these is normal and even healthy. But neediness is never good. Neediness is always going to hurt those around us. Neediness is always unreasonable and a horrible taskmaster. Neediness is a liar. Neediness tells us that we can find fulfillment in others and in things but have you ever noticed that neediness is never satisfied? No matter how much it gets? Neediness always demands more as nothing is ever truly enough.
We have to confront our own neediness head-on. We have to learn the difference between what we actually need to survive and what we want to have in order to make us feel good. They aren’t even remotely the same thing. Neediness poisons every personal relationship and every relationship with things that could otherwise be beneficial–like food. Neediness is never satisfied. Neediness is the god of our own desires and will prevent us from serving the Kingdom of God.
Speaking from experience, God can heal neediness but He doesn’t do it by giving in to it. He conquers it. He doesn’t mollify it or enable it.
And it is so desperately important that we cooperate with that process. Otherwise, we will suck dry the lives of everyone around us in our neverending (and ultimately futile) quest for self-satisfaction and unrealistic ideals of fulfillment.
Part one–shame
Part two–rejection
