Honor, Shame, Humility, and Destroying the Paradigm

Sometimes when people start learning about and teaching honor and shame culture, they do it in a lopsided manner. They start teaching honor and shame as tantamount to societal perfection, or a virtue – but honor and shame often had nothing to do with concepts of right and wrong.

Honor and shame was more about maintaining the concept of the community “shall”s and “shall not”s, than it was about right and wrong. Sacrificing your newborn firstborn might be honorable, and refusing to do so might be shameful if the gods seemed to be angry. So although we see it as the underlying fabric of scriptural culture, it does not mean that it always ended up being for the best. King David had Uriah killed in order to protect his honor, when his own actions were dishonorable. King Saul tried to have David killed when David’s perceived honor outstripped his own. Honor and shame culture explains things that happen in scripture, but we are mistaken when we take it for a fix-all blueprint of modern culture – and especially when we pursue unrighteous honor and are offended by righteous shame. Shame can be honor in the eyes of God, and honor in the eyes of the world is sometimes tantamount to our disgrace in the eyes of the Father.

In fact, during the first century, the assemblies had to pull what I call a “Hanoi Hilton” in order to alter their cultural honor/shame paradigms. Let me explain that reference briefly:

During the Vietnam War, American POW’s were being subjected to intense torture by their captors. Now up to this point, it was considered a great dishonor in the military to break under torture – but the torture being administered was so terrible that the men who would break would be left with immense guilt and often no will left to live. Seeing that no one could hold out indefinitely, the prisoners developed an alternate code of honor and shame. Recognizing that everyone has a breaking point, the new code revolved around holding out as long as possible and giving as little information as possible. Surrendering information was inevitable, given the severity of torture, and so the shame of being broken only made it easier to be broken the next time around. Giving the POW’s something to take pride in gave them control over their own lives. Consequently, they were able to hold out longer under torture and maintained their will to live. In the aftermath of Vietnam, many of the former inmates of the Hanoi Hilton went on to live happy lives because of the cultural change they brought to the traditional military honor and shame codes.

During the first and second centuries, things were incredibly difficult for the believers in Yeshua (Jesus) for both Jews and grafted in former Gentiles. It was not honorable in the eyes of the established culture to maintain loyalty towards a man who had been executed in the most humiliating of methods. For the former Gentiles, there was no honor in being an Atheist (someone who was not polytheistic). Nothing about following Yeshua manifested respect because there was no difference between secular and religious life in the ancient world. There was nowhere for the believers to hide from the new found shame and social pressure. In fact, much of the epistles of Paul, and even the sayings of Yeshua Himself recognize this cultural change. Yeshua tells His followers that they will be subjected to great shame by the prevailing culture:

John 16:1-2 These things have I spoken unto you, that ye should not be offended.They shall put you out of the synagogues: yea, the time cometh, that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth God service.

Yeshua says right here that we should not be offended when we are rejected – even by the believing community. Although it is shameful in the eyes of society, there is more honor to be had in remaining loyal to Him (I will detail why later).

Matt 10:25 It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household?

And there would be insinuations of sorcery and insults but still our call is to loyalty, and loyalty calls for a great deal of humility.

Written to the first century congregations, the epistles speak at great length about the concept of shame – preaching a new system of honor based on loyalty to the Savior, by doing His commandments and not denying His Name. In fact, the Corinthians needed a lot of work, because they still were doing things according to their old ways – behaving very shamefully in the eyes of God but not necessarily in the eyes of the world around them. The church at Colossae was suffering terribly from worldly influences:

Col 2:16 Let no (pagan – referring to the worldly philosophers in verse 8) man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holy day, or of the new moon, or of the sabbath days

The believers were being actively shamed about their new lifestyle – they were no longer celebrating the pagan festivals of their families, or going to the cultic new moon celebrations. They were now keeping the Sabbath, and celebrating festivals and observing new moons according to scripture. If you think that you have it bad for changing denominations or for stopping the observance of Christmas and Easter – you really ought to study what was happening in these Gentile cities; they couldn’t even buy and sell without offering incense to the marketplace gods! The fire from their homes had to either come from the pagan city hearth or they had to make it themselves. They had to actively reject the honor and shame code of their world and develop a new one based solely on an obedience and loyalty towards the one true God.

But what made this paradigm shift possible in first century Greco-Roman culture? It was the understanding of Patron/Client relationships.

I have taught this before, so I will just review it briefly. In the ancient world, if you didn’t have something you needed, the only way to get it was to go to someone of a higher status who could provide it. Say I am a playwright, and I want to write a glorious new play about the Emperor, but I’m starving and I don’t have the necessary writings supplies. I would go to a local Patron and ask for his assistance. If he gave me what I needed, it was my job to repay him with gratitude – a lot of gratitude. Not only would I write and produce the play in his honor, increasing his reputation, but I would be sure to tell everyone what a generous benefactor he was. In the ancient world, reputation was more important than money and so wealthy men delighted in spending their wealth towards the accumulation of honor. If I did a good enough job elevating his honor, he would probably be thrilled to help me again when I have a need. The down side to this was that one was never to accept any sort of help from anyone they would not be willing to be loyal to – even to the point of the loss of one’s honor if their Patron came into trouble or disgrace. One was required to be willing to endure slander and even exile on behalf of their benefactor – that was the measure of gratitude expected. Humility was required in this sort of relationship – because you had to be willing to gladly lose your honor in defense of your benefactor. This relationship was called charis, our NT Greek word translated as “grace.” So when Paul wrote about grace, everyone knew what he was talking about – a reciprocal relationship based on both generosity and gratitude. The initial gift was indeed free, but if there was no gratitude, no loyalty, no obedience – the flow of grace would be cut off. Freely you received, and freely you were required to give.

Now, what if you wanted something that your patron could not provide? You had two choices – go to his enemy or ask your Patron to introduce you to another Patron who could provide you with what you need. Well, going to the enemy of your Patron was the epitome of ingratitude and disloyalty – it is, in effect, having two masters. It isn’t going to work. So, you go to your Patron, and he introduces you to someone else who can get you what you need. Then, in the name of your Patron, you would ask the new Patron for what you need. Because of the relationship between the two Patrons – your need would be satisfied “in the name of” your first Patron – called a mediator in this case. This should start sounding really familiar to Bible readers.

Paul stressed to the first century believers the utmost importance of, having received our salvation, being loyal to Messiah to the death. They were expected to endure the shame, loss, persecution, hardship, hatred and sometimes even death in gratitude for the gift of eternal life. Paul rightly portrayed Yeshua as our mediator, our Patron who gives us access to the Father as our greater Patron. This is why no one has access to the Father except through the Son.

I Tim 2:5 For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus

John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me

It takes a great deal of humility to follow Yeshua, to accept Him as our only way to the Father’s blessings. We must embrace shame, persecution, insults, and hatred – because He is shamed, persecuted, insulted and hated. Yeshua is our Patron, and we should in no way accept His gift of salvation unless we are willing to endure whatever is directed at Him. We have no cause to demand that the world that rejects Him, accept us. We have no right to desire honor on the world’s terms. If someone is His enemy then by the laws of grace, they are not my friend. I will still treat them kindly, but we have no part with each other – if they actively reject Yeshua, then they actively reject me. They can’t have me without Him.

Yeshua is my Patron, He is also my Mediator. He deserves my loyalty – no matter what it costs, and if I don’t like it then I need to walk away and choose what master I’d rather serve.

Spanish version here

Confessions of a Former Torah Terrorist

First of all, I apologize. It’s embarassing now, truly, how I acted.

I feel badly about it – because it reflected badly on the truth. You see, it wasn’t the Torah that made me a terrorist – Torah just gave me something new to be passionate about and if you knew me before Torah, you would see that I was a terrorist before Torah too. Maybe you just didn’t notice it because when I was a mainstream Christian terrorist, you agreed with me and called it “hard truth,” or the “truth in love,” or my favorite excuse, “sometimes truth hurts.”

And before I was a Christian terrorist? I was a Politics terrorist. Maybe you didn’t mind about that either if you were of the same political bent as I was and just said I was “telling it like it is.” But then I started believing something new, and preaching that like I preached everything else and you labeled me a terrorist. You were right, of course, I was a terrorist – it just never bothered you before. I should very much imagine that if Christians started strapping bombs to themselves and walking into Islamic preschools that terrorism would start offending Muslims too – but it doesn’t bother them now because they approve of the cause and the results.

Sadly, we are just hypocrites. The people who behave badly on “our” side of the road are just speaking truth whereas the guys on the other side are simply “jerks.” But the truth is that probably both sides are acting like jerks, and that it really has nothing to do with what they are preaching or what kool-aid they want you to drink. It has to do with who they are on the inside. That’s exactly who I was on the inside.

My political party never inspired me to change my ways. Christianity got me to change a little bit on the outside – but that Torah that I was initially bashing everyone with? Well, that combined with the example set by Messiah changed me a lot. I wish I knew at the beginning what I know now – if I had I would have kept my mouth shut for a few years, and would have spent that time studying instead, learning to live as Yeshua (Jesus) commanded me to. I should have learned before I started preaching. Sadly, I didn’t do that – I just kept doing what the church told me to do when I joined. They put me on a guilt trip about preaching Jesus to the lost before I even knew anything about Him, before I even had roots in the ground to keep me from toppling over. Just preach Him – and pray they don’t ask any hard questions. And if they do ask hard questions, pray even harder that they will simply accept the shallow and sometimes wrong answers we are going to have you memorize. I believed that if I wasn’t out there evangelizing, that I would be personally responsible for anyone who died without being saved first. But what about me? Didn’t I deserve some time to grow up and get mature? Wouldn’t it be better to wait a few years and send out mature, changed believers than the passionate but largely clueless newcomers? Wouldn’t it have been better to tell them to wait until they find out what their giftings are before we decided what we wanted them to do?

I look around on social media and see people making bold, angry and often insulting proclamations that are largely borne out of scriptural ignorance. Sadly, I see others who know quite a bit of scripture using it to lord authority over others – probably because they are the older versions of the former group, who just kept on preaching and never ended up maturing at all. But Messiah taught humility, justice and righteousness – it’s the heart of the Law, to love God and each other within a context of mercy and compassion. He turned tables over twice, and yet I see people using that as en excuse to do it every single day. He said “woe to you” occasionally but again, I see others doing it at the drop of a hat without saying any of the other things that he proclaimed daily. Turning over tables is easy, pronouncing woe is easy – that’s why the terrorists excel at it. Developing the fruit is hard, painful and sometimes even humiliating – but it requires overturning our own tables and pronouncing woe upon our flesh. That isn’t nearly as easy or fun as causing others to feel that pain and humiliation.

In scripture, prophets never pronounced doom without preaching repentance and the promise of restoration. If you are listening to someone who doesn’t preach restoration, then they aren’t doing the job of a prophet. Teachers teach scripture, making sure there is understanding, they don’t just bark verses at people – that isn’t teaching, that’s indoctrination.

It would be convenient if I could only point the finger at one group, but the Grace-terrorists are just as mean and insulting as the Torah-terrorists, just as sarcastic, and just as prone to slander. They mock and scoff and call names, and for what? So that they can write off whole books of scripture? Both sides claim that their arguments are rooted in the Bible, but the truth is that their tactics are rooted in the flesh. It’s our tactics that reflect on the character of our King more than our scripture quotations ever will. The tactics of terrorists are about division and destruction of “the enemy” and yet Messiah died for us while we were still His enemies. I watch it and I get infuriated – and I want to hate them for causing my King to look like a terrorist leader – but then I stop and see myself not that long ago. I see what they are doing and weep, because I personally know how it looks in the eyes of unbelievers. I know what it is like to want to have no part with any god whose worshipers would treat people like that. What they claimed as holiness, I saw as just plain using religion to justify acting like a jerk. I saw very clearly that in their eyes, the world was damned for acting the exact same way that the church acted “in love.” But then I got saved and I did it too.

But if we have the truth, if “our side” is the true possessor of the way, truth and life – then it should be changing us away from the flesh, away from the mocking, scoffing, slander and sarcasm. Not just from the outward expressions of sin, but from the defilements of our heart. External obedience is just the beginning, it’s learning how to submit to the loving instructions of our Father and King – showing the world that He is love and deserves our reverence. Instead of tearing down one another, our primary focus should be building up the reputation of our King in the earth as the God whose people behave differently from the world, not whose people simply act like the world while preaching a different message.

It would be nice if the war stopped. It would be wonderful if everyone would just look at Torah and Grace as extensions of our King’s excellent character. But that’s the problem, too many of us aren’t focusing on Him at all, but on how everyone measures up to what we are doing personally. It isn’t about us though, it is about Him, and our behavior in the view of the world is embarassing.

The Fruit of the Spirit Pt 2: Self-Control

When most people think of self-control, they generally think of denying themselves this or that food or some other physical thing or controlling their temper, but last week I had a dream about words that I want to share. It was a dream what I really didn’t understand until this morning.

I was with someone and we were walking together through a marketplace where there was just a ton of obvious pagan stuff – I mean witchcraft, spells, amulets and all that sort of thing. I can’t remember what the vendor asked me, but as we were walking away I said something so incredibly insensitive and pointless (not to the vendor, but just as a casual, flippant remark) that I don’t even want to write it here for fear of offending someone. Unbeknownst to me, what I said actually applied to the woman I was with. But suffice it to say that it’s the kind of thing I used to say all the time, “no big deal” of course. “Just an expression” and “no offense meant.”

Well, I said it and I could see the hurt on her face. What did I do? Did I tell her what an insensitive jerk I was? No, I said I was sorry and told her that it was no big deal and tried to explain myself. But trying to explain myself was the absolute last thing I should have been doing. I should have owned that ugly remark and asked forgiveness. Instead of being honest and admitting that I had said something that shouldn’t have been said, instead of controlling myself – I decided to control her perception of my actions. It is horrifying to me, thinking that my only real concern within that dream was to look righteous and justified in her eyes. Everything I said was to redeem myself, and none of it was about undoing the damage I inflicted. In the dream, she did the right thing – she abandoned me and my careless, insensitive mouth – as well as my attempts to manipulate her into thinking that she had not really heard exactly what she heard.

So, this was a dream that was weighing heavily upon me, because my behavior was so inexcusable. I wondered what on earth it was about. And so, in a turn of events, that same person did to me in real life what I did to her in the dream. And so the dream and the incident combined gave me an up close look at probably the greatest deficiency of self-control in this world – our words vs our intentions.

My intentions didn’t matter because truly – my intentions didn’t matter. I said what I wanted to say, “off the cuff” and just “saying what I felt.” I never stopped to think what the consequences of my words would be. I just blurted them out, like somehow I had the right to speak whatever popped into my mind. And I used to be like that – in fact when I am nervous I still tend to do it. I have had to learn to put a harness on my mouth and think about everything. I don’t speak every time I want to – in fact, I have learned that when I want to speak most, I generally should keep my mouth shut. My flesh compels me to speak, but the Spirit very often tells me to be silent.

I say less now. I hurt people less often. I try to agonize about my words, I ask myself not only if they are true – but are they necessary? Should they be given in public or in private? Do I want to speak because I have an agenda, or an axe to grind, or because something is bothering me, or maybe because I think that everyone should be a little bit more like me and see things my way? Truth is, people don’t need to hear everything I have on my mind, Honestly, they don’t want to know and they shouldn’t have to be subjected to a lot of the stupid things that I am tempted to say. And a lot of times, I just want to say something in order to clandestinely rebuke people under the auspices of teaching them something. But I ask myself this – “am I willing to own my true intentions if I get questioned about this? Am I even being honest with myself or am I clothing a critical spirit with a facade of loving concern?”

Self-control means that I speak less, but it also means that when I do speak it means more.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Am I the police officer over all the world? Can the world survive without my opinions? Am I being absolutely honest and upfront about my reason for saying something, even to myself? Do I still spend way too much time trying to assure myself that my terrible motives are actually genuine?

I ask myself these things all the time, and I restrain myself – usually. When I don’t restrain myself, I often have cause to regret it. Without self-control, intentions don’t really matter because a lack of self-control obliterates intention, rendering it irrelevant. It doesn’t matter why I said what I said if, in the end, it served no purpose but to hurt someone else or to promote myself and what I am doing or think they should be doing. There will be times when hurting people will be unavoidable, but if we conduct ourselves as blamelessly as possible then we will have built up the necessary collateral required for them to give us the benefit of the doubt when we do hurt them. If we have built up no such collateral, then they will see the inflicted hurt as just “same old same old.”

We need to control every impulse. We need to control our tongues. We need to control ourselves or we will spend our lives trying to control others instead.

The Fruit of the Spirit Pt 1 – Love

As I have been studying the ancient Near Eastern perspective of scripture, I often get slammed with an understanding that is entirely at odds with our western definitions of words and modern estimation of important concepts.

Probably the most misunderstood word in our Bibles is “love.” Grace is a close runner up, but not understanding the concept of love is far more detrimental to our lives.

Love, in concrete biblical terms, has nothing whatsoever to do with feelings, which is why we so often fail miserably at it. Love is about loyalty, and covenantal love is the highest measure of love there is. In Messiah, we come into Covenant with the great King and God of the Universe, YHVH, and our greatest commandment is to love Him. Feelings don’t enter into it – we are called into an absolute loyalty-based relationship with Him. It’s why we don’t question His Heir, Yeshua (Jesus), and why we accept Him as our Master and Teacher. It’s why we cherish His gifts and call them good. It is why we yearn for His laws, as David did, wanting to be good citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven in order to show Him our respect and constant devotional loyalty. It’s the reason why we do not play games by lingering in relationship with those who have hated and betrayed Him. God isn’t a concept, He is our Salvation and King, our Deliverer and Great Reward. We swear our allegiance when we confess His Messiah with our mouths in an oath. When we receive His Spirit as a seal of that commitment, we dare not go after other gods, other men, or other kingdoms. We got down on our knees and repented because we saw what He is and we knew what we were and we recognized His right to have dominion over our lives – after all, we can’t even breathe without the very air He created. Any relationship that we take seriously must pale in comparison – any loyalty we would give our children, our spouses, or our parents must be secondary to the loyalty and seriousness with which we treat our relationship with Him.

Luke 14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

In the historical context, love and hate were covenant terms. Love meant covenant loyalty, covenant being a binding, eternal relationship built on choice, and hatred was to have no covenant at all with someone. We think in terms of feelings, infatuation vs contempt, but this is in error. We need to think loyalty vs no loyalty. YHVH didn’t hate Esau the way we hate people, He simply had no covenant relationship with him. YHVH blessed Esau with Mt. Seir, hardly the actions of someone who doesn’t like an individual. Esau was blessed, but beyond that – there was no covenant between them to be loyal to, as Esau rejected it along with his birthright to the Land double-portion.

When Yeshua said that we must hate our family members, He meant that “in comparison with your covenant loyalty obligations to Me, you don’t owe them or yourself anything.” Now this is not to say that we don’t owe our human covenant partners anything – quite the contrary. The second commandment clearly states that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves – and if we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, how much more so should we love those with whom we are in covenant?

Gen 18:19 For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.

Our children become familiar with Kingdom life through obedience to the Torah as interpreted by Yeshua, and through Him, we teach them to be loyal to the covenant, to grow up in this awe and appreciation of both the Covenant as well as what Master Yeshua did in order to renew it for our sakes.

Not only is parenthood a covenant relationship, but so is marriage and brotherhood, as well as friendship between the sons of God. We must be loyal towards one another. We must not casually speak ill of one another or betray each other. We must always be mindful that this other person is not an adversary for simple disagreements or variations in commandment keeping but in Covenant with the King and the King will deal with the truly disloyal.

I blew up at my sons this morning because they delight in betraying each other – the constant nit-picking. Looking for any reason to find fault, and take offense. I asked them why they hated each other so much and they said that they didn’t hate each other. I explained to them what love and hate are – that people who love each other and honor their covenant partnership through God will not seek every opportunity for betrayal and humiliation. Loyalty means we hold people accountable when they are doing something truly destructive yes, but it also means that we let most things slide.

Pro 19:11 The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

To fight with one another publicly, to gossip and insult – where is the loyalty in these actions? And if we do these things to each other, to those we can see, how are we to ever be expected to be loyal to the God whose face is not before us showing the pain of betrayal?

I John 2:10-11 He that loveth his brother abideth in the light, and there is none occasion of stumbling in him. But he that hateth his brother is in darkness, and walketh in darkness, and knoweth not whither he goeth, because that darkness hath blinded his eyes

I John 3:14-15 We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.

I John 4:20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

I want to re-translate that using historical context:

He that is loyal to his brother abides in the light, and there is no occasion of stumbling in him. But he that shows no covenant loyalty to his brother is in darkness, and walks in darkness, and doesn’t know where he is going, because that darkness has blinded his eyes.We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we are loyal the brethren. He that shows no loyalty to his brother abides in death. Whoever is disloyal his brother is a murderer: and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. If a man say, I am loyal to God, but shows no covenant loyalty to his brother, he is a liar: for he that is disloyal his brother whom he has seen, how can he be loyal to God whom he hath not seen?And this commandment have we from Him, that he who would be loyal to God shall be loyal to his brother also.

Love is a deep seated action rooted not in self but in covenant obligation. That is why it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and in this modern society, perhaps the most difficult. This is why divorce was permitted in cases of adultery – because adultery devastates the relational context of the covenant. When we go back through the Torah laws and look at how they relate to being loyal to both King and Covenant partner, they cease to be seen as unfair and are shown to be just and right–with the notable exceptions of the laws seeking to contain the (then) current realities of the brutalities of ancient Near Eastern culture, like slavery and patriarchy and other things that the New Creation renewal of our reality has left distasteful for us. Sin is a breach of covenant – not a simple breaking of a man-made law where you pay a fine and all is undone. A breach in covenant is the violation of a relationship – it is a betrayal. The Spirit was given to us to teach us that, among many other things.

Relational Sanity Pt 8: Why I rarely give personal advice

This will be a different kind of post for me. It won’t be biblical, at all. It’s just something I’ve learned through years of dealing with people and was brought to the forefront again a few weeks ago.

I rarely give personal advice, and I have a simple reason for it. I will quote Gregory House, “Everybody Lies.”

It’s almost always true — especially when people are asking for advice. I would say that 98% of the people who ask for advice will only give you the information that will lead you to the advice they want. That means that theoretically only 2% of people really want advice. The rest of them want an excuse to do what they want to do. That’s why they selectively feed you the information that will get you to the desired destination. Based on the information they give, if you have believed them, you are generally only able to give one piece of advice. Since that is exactly what they wanted to hear, they are now free to do what they want and then blame you when it goes badly.

Sometimes a person will call me and start gossiping and I ask them, “Why are you telling me this?”

They reply, “Because I need to know what to do.”

I retort, “Then I need to ask you some questions.”

Them: “Just let me finish my story.”

Me: “I can’t tell you what to do unless I know everything. And all you have told me is how terrible they are. If they are really that terrible and you are the victim, then I guess you need to make a choice to stay in the relationship or get out of it. But since I don’t have their side of the story, I can’t really give you wise counsel.”

In general, it is a truism that people don’t want advice, they want permission and someone to blame when what they want to do blows up in their face. They may be seeming to be coming to you because they love and respect you, but in actuality, they want an ally. It’s when you give them the advice that they don’t want to hear – that you find out if they love and respect you.

So be careful. If they are painting a story that colors them as entirely innocent and the other person as entirely guilty (especially when it becomes apparent that they have bitter complaints about everyone), then you are probably being played. There is no law that says that we HAVE to give advice when asked for it. Advice is a privilege. If I am giving advice, then I am trusting the person I give it to – that they won’t use it against me or blame me when their execution of it goes wrong. There are always going to be a slew of people out there who want to do what they want to do but who never want to take responsibility for it. Such people are a plague – and when you come across plague the only safe action is to wash your hands and run in the opposite direction.

On the flip side, people who are apt to give advice without making sure they have all the information can also be a danger. Giving advice really is a responsibility and I have a creed that I live by, “If it’s easy to give, and I personally wouldn’t want to have to live with the consequences of that advice, then I keep my mouth shut.” There are people out there who don’t value my marriage, or my children, or even my life – but they are quick to spout off what they think I should do. Despite the fact that they let things slide with their own situations, in mine they want everything to be black and white – and they would only be too happy to judge me for not doing things that they themselves would fear to carry through with.

Someone who gives good, godly, compassionate advice is a rare jewel – if you find one, then don’t abuse them, and certainly do not blame them if you only gave them enough information to make sure you looked like an angel.