Relational Sanity Pt 2: Stop throwing your pearls!

Had a bad dream last night.

I was with a group of people who I love very much. And in their eyes, I couldn’t do anything right. Whatever I said was wrong. People who should have been supportive were critical. I was in a no win situation, and I decided to make it worse by getting angry about it, and by getting resentful. No matter what I did, even if it was what they wanted from me, it wasn’t good enough. The feeling I had inside was hopeless and excruciating because I knew that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough for them. But I got so angry and hurt, and I was so overcome by my powerlessness to be good enough, that I ruined the food I was preparing, perfectly good food, but my focus was on people who could not be pleased.

I am taking the warning for exactly what it is. In the dream, I started out preparing the food they wanted from me, which was not clean, and far later in the dream I ruined the good food in my anger. Their reaction was the same no matter what I was giving them — no matter how hard I was trying and no matter how badly I wanted them to love, accept or understand me.

Here’s the deal. I ruined that good food because I wanted something that others were not willing to give me. And from time to time we have to take stock of our lives and see that there are going to be people in our lives for whom nothing will ever be good enough. It is going to hurt, but when it happens we have a choice to make. Are we going to focus on gaining that approval, which we will never have unless they do the hard work of changing, or are we going to keep our focus on God?

It’s one of the hardest lessons in life, persevering through disapproval. But it is one of the things we must learn to do before we can even hope to call ourselves mature. It’s okay to want to be approved of if it drives us towards doing what is good, but it’s not okay to seek approval when it is not within our power to get it or when it pushes us towards doing evil.

There are people in our lives who are always going to be…. well…. swine. We toss what is precious to us at them, hoping they will see and admire it, and they turn and trample our precious things and then tear us to shreds. But in general, we knew that they would do it when we tossed those pearls. We knew it. And we did it anyway, treating those people like mini-gods, like idols — like somehow their approval was worth having.

But no matter how much we love people, if they are determined not to approve of us and if nothing we do will ever be good enough then we have to take stock of the situation.

Do we have a relationship with those people or do we have a house of cards built out of hopes, dreams, and wishful thinking? And why do we want the approval of the sort of person who does not wish to approve of us? There is a big difference between someone who wants to approve, but because of the way we are living, cannot. That is understandable. But this desire to have approval from people who are, for all intents and purposes, bullies (whether they mean to be or not) – it’s putting our focus on something unrighteous and it can be a form of idolatry. Unrighteous because it clouds our vision and makes us compromise, like kicking against a rock wall with your bare foot. The wall might be amused with your efforts, might enjoy the attention, but will probably just end up complaining about the mess your blood is making on its pristine stones. Idolatry because we have to take our focus off of our Heavenly Father in order to concentrate on them.

It isn’t their absolute obligation in life to approve of us, or agree with us, or even tolerate us — and they know it. They know it. That knowledge gives them power and authority over us if we allow it. And sometimes even when it is their obligation to love us, they recognize the autonomy that gives them the right not to. They aren’t puppets, and they realize that they have the right to deny us all the things we want them to give. When we persist, we are feeding our energy into a power game that we hold none of the pieces to. They are going to win the game, unless we stop playing.

So when will we figure it out?

Developing Godly Character Pt 9: Confessions of an Ungrateful Brat

People who have known me a long time won’t be shocked by this post. Whenever I uncover something truly wretched about myself I like to use it as a way to encourage and edify others. While some may see it as a rebuke, I don’t, because learning the truth about ourselves is a gift and an opportunity for truth and deeper relationship and greater fruit in our lives.

Over the weekend I came across a series of teachings offered by Ryan White about honor and shame and the patron-client relationship that is found throughout the scriptures, something I had never given any thought to. In his exposition on the historical concept of the grace relationship, where gifts are freely given by a greater being and reciprocated by the lesser, resulting in deeper levels of relationship and intimacy and honor, I realized how short I fell in this area.

When someone gives us a gift, the proper response springs out of a deep sense of gratitude. It is not acceptable to simply accept the gift and move on without acknowledging it. It is not acceptable among friends and so it is certainly not acceptable when the giver of the gift is the God of the universe, YHVH Elohim. Receiving a gift from the Creator is an incredible privilege — be it the breath in our lungs, our daily bread, a paycheck, rain in season, or the gifts that we would call miracles. He gives these things to us, they were created by Him and He gives them in season, and it is fitting to be grateful and reciprocate with our love, demonstrated through worship and obedience and public recognition.

Gifts have always made me uncomfortable, and I never knew why. I mean, screamingly uncomfortable. Want to pull my hair out uncomfortable. I have never known how to respond. Indeed, I have even been afraid of responding.

You know what? That is ingratitude — I am so uncomfortable that I allow that discomfort to overshadow the gift and the honor due the person who gave me the gift. The proper response is to honor the giver, they deserve to be honored and recognized for the gift. There is an ancient concept concerning gifts — that we should never accept a gift that it would pain us to reciprocate, and that is a stunning truth. If a gift comes with strings attached, let them pull on those strings and have it back. We should not be eager to accept gifts from just anyone.

God’s gifts also come with strings attached. His gifts are tied into the concept of relationship — and if all we ever do is take and take and take and take and never give back to Him, never honor Him, never obey Him then we are in effect shallowing out the relationship. But if He gives and we reciprocate, then He gives again and we reciprocate, and on and on — isn’t that the very nature of our healthy earthly relationships? All relationships, except with the smallest of children, involve a give and take cycle and as children grow it becomes less and less one-sided.

But I allowed Pentecostalism to twist my sense of gratitude. You know, the prosperity gospel, that idea that we always have to be looking to the next gift, never satisfied, never truly full of joy because we don’t have it all yet. I have what I need, but I am not rich so I have to strive in prayer because what I have isn’t good enough. I call it the “Gimme Gospel.” Gimme this and Gimme that! In my case, it revolved around my son Andrew who was born with multiple birth defects. We have received healings, oh my goodness, praise YHVH we have seen the kinds of healings people only dream of — the things my child can do that other children with spina bifida can’t, walking, running, jumping, skipping, he even rides a longboard! But — I had my eyes so firmly and unwaveringly on the 100% healing of his body that everything else seemed like a failure. I had my eyes so firmly on MY end goal that I had very little appreciation for the reality that so much has been given to us and to our son. Having my eyes on what I wanted and being unwilling to settle for “less” was stealing the gratitude I owed God because of the amazingly wonderful gifts I had already been given. Seeing partial healings as “less” obscured the fact that I had been given “more.” Yes, I would praise Him in the assembly when He would do something amazing, but I was embarrassed because Andrew was not “100%.” And that embarrassment would turn to ingratitude. I was no longer grateful for what I had, but focused on what I did not have and already grumbling for it. And frankly, there are a whole lot of people out there only too happy to help you become ungrateful — you know, the people who whenever you praise God for a gift, they try to steal His glory because the gift wasn’t as good as they think it should have been, or they simply do not want to acknowledge God working to bless your life? But that is blasphemy, anything we do to diminish the honor of God.

You see, there is a big difference between being thrilled with the gifts of God, yet hoping and asking for more because His gifts are all good, and being dissatisfied because the gift was not enough, therefore demanding more. It’s like praying for a raise, getting one and then being angry because it wasn’t big enough for you. The limited nature of His gifts can be a gift in and of themselves because they reveal our hearts. They reveal either our gratitude and joy or our ingratitude and resentment.

And so here I am, confessing my ingratitude. I have been a spoiled brat, wallowing in blessings like a pig in mud, with hardly a thought in my head as to truly how much I have been given and without a care as to how much honor He deserves daily from me, moment by moment, for all of it.

I have spent my life wondering why I have so little peace and why I have never possessed joy. And once I figured this out, I started feeling peace in this cycle of grace. He has given to me out of the bounty of His love and generosity, and I render to Him what belongs to Him, my trust, my obedience, and all else I can do to protect and promote His honor in the eyes of the world. My prayers now no longer focus on what I do not have, the healings and provision I want for my son and others, but on the honor He is due for all He has provided already. My prayers are becoming worship, instead of petitions. And I can feel a relationship of trust and appreciation deepening within me.

Misunderstanding Yeshua: Why on earth did He call that woman a dog anyway?

It had bothered me for many years, but this morning as I was praying the Psalms, I happened upon the key to breaking down a very serious misunderstanding I had about one of Yeshua’s (Jesus’) most notorious confrontations. And it came down to a very simple parallelism.

Psalm 22:16a For dogs have compassed me: the assembly of the wicked have inclosed me (KJV — yes they used inclosed, and it bothers me that it is spelled that way, but it isn’t my spelling mistake)

Now a parallelism is something we see in Hebrew writings where a concept is expressed in two different ways but means the exact same thing. Here we see two concepts –

dogs have compassed me

the assembly of the wicked have inclosed me.

The Hebrew word for dog, of course, is keleb, which is very similar to the name of the great Biblical hero Caleb — one of the two faithful spies who alone were allowed to enter into the Promised land out of all their generation. Caleb was the representative for Judah, even though he was not an Israelite by birth, but a Kenezite (Joshua 14:14). I will get into why that is applicable later.

The word for compassed is sawbab and the word for inclosed is nawkaf. They both have similar meanings, but nawkaf is a bit more aggressive in nature. In any event, the recipient of both these words end up closed in and surrounded, which is how we know that the phrases are parallel. What does this mean? This means that as sabab and nawkaf are being linked, so are the words keleb (dog) the phrase “assembly of the wicked.”

So, unlike what I had previously thought, dogs are scripturally equated not only with male prostitutes, but also with the assembly of the wicked.

But why did I bring Caleb into the discussion? Well, because it helped me solve a question that had always irked me, relating to the character of Yeshua.

How many of us have always hated this exchange between Yeshua and the Caananite woman?

Matthew 15:21 Then Jesus went thence, and departed into the coasts of Tyre and Sidon. And, behold, a woman of Canaan came out of the same coasts, and cried unto him, saying, Have mercy on me, O Lord, thou son of David; my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil. But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away; for she crieth after us. But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel. Then came she and worshiped him, saying, Lord, help me. But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it to dogs. And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table. Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.

I never liked it that He called her a dog, just being honest here. To someone of my generation, a dog was one of the worst things you could call a woman short of using profanities. And to top it off, He was up in Tyre and Sidon — not in Israel! It’s like, He went to someone else’s house and insulted them for living there, I never got that.

But, if we substitute in “assembly of the wicked” for dog — things get a lot clearer.

“It is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it to the assembly of the wicked. And she said, Truth, Lord: yet those from the assembly of the wicked eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.”

Now that reads entirely differently and ties in perfectly with Matt 7:6a Give not that which is holy unto the dogs (assembly of the wicked).

It is no longer a personal insult towards this woman but a recognition of what she already admitted in coming to Him. Her people were not following the way of righteousness, they were not of the righteous assembly of YHVH — if they had the right way, if they were not the assembly of the wicked, she would not have been compelled to forsake her gods on her daughter’s behalf. Yeshua wasn’t insulting her, He wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t already know. Her very actions were an admission of this truth. What He was doing was provoking her testimony. And what was her testimony?

“yet those from the assembly of the wicked eat of the crumbs which fall from THEIR MASTER’S TABLE.”

This woman was given an opportunity to proclaim that YHVH is Master. And she did it. Her actions had already proclaimed it, and now her words followed suit. And Yeshua’s response to her is no longer to a dog, but He calls her “Woman.”

Now, how does this tie back in to Caleb? As I said before, Caleb was not born a Hebrew, but a Gentile, and yet he was sojourning with Israel — why? Because he also had, through his actions, admitted that he was from the assembly of the wicked (the Kenezites), and through his actions declared that YHVH is Master.

Caleb and the Syro-phoenician woman are pictures of those in the Gentile community who confessed and denounced their position as dogs, as part of the assembly of the wicked, and who receive deliverance for themselves and their children. I think that is just beautiful.

I have been waiting to understand this passage for decades, and my soul is just delighting in YHVH this morning. It is wonderful to receive peace after being vexed for so long about this exchange that seemed so out of character for Yeshua. Context really is everything!

Burning the Bridge Behind You — a Parable about Mercy and the Pursuit of Truth

I wrote this in February of 2013, but last week I heard a teaching that really brought this up in my mind again, so I am moving it over to the blog. Be sure to catch those teachings that I referenced at the end, they are life changing.

A man in a land of great darkness saw a bridge leading off over a chasm into an unseen land. The slats of the bridge were the right size for a man’s foot and even though the first step was very dark indeed, it contained a bit of light so he placed his foot upon it. The next step was perceptibly lighter, and in fact he realized that he could look ahead and see more and more light and less darkness. It was hard leaving the comfortable familiarity of the darkness he knew, especially since his family remained back in the darkness, but the light was drawing him and so he continued, one step at a time, each time making the choice to leave some of the darkness behind and step into new light. After some time, he became very impressed and puffed up with the amount of light he was walking in, and the amount of darkness he had trodden under his feet. He stopped and turned around and much to his horror all he could see was a path of increasing darkness. Facing backwards, he became contemptuous of that darkness and decided to focus his efforts on destroying it, ignoring the faint cries from those further on to turn around and keep going. So he removed a lighter from his pocket and kindled a fire on the slats that had previously been behind him, thinking to exterminate the darkness he saw. The fire quickly began consuming that ancient path that had led into the light, even destroying the guard rails. The man delighted in the destruction of the darkness, never giving a thought to the people on the dark end of the chasm, or those further back on the path — or, to the fact that he was not yet safely to the other side of the chasm. In his arrogance and contempt, he fell to destruction, never having reached his destination, and destroyed the path for many.

This is the tragedy of the Protestant Reformation, the Charismatic movement, the Hebrew Roots Movement, etc….

The darkness was the darkness the man was born into spiritually. The bridge is the calling of YHVH out of that darkness through restoration in Yeshua Messiah, but he did not know them by those names at first, he knew God and Jesus. The slats represent truth to walk in and lies to trample underfoot. Step by step he went forward, coming more and more out of the darkness and into more and more light until the splendid awareness of his knowledge got the better of him and he turned his back on Elohim without even realizing it, in order to gaze upon darkness instead of upon the light. Facing the wrong direction, he no longer had the perspective to see the mercy of a path growing ever more illuminated, but instead all he could see was a path getting darker. Contempt filled his heart and he cared nothing for the people on what he perceived as a path of darkness, — he had no love for them, no compassion, but instead only impatience. From his vantage point, he did not see the truth, that they were now on the path of light, and that he had turned away from that light and was now on the path of darkness. He deceived himself into thinking he was destroying the path to sin, but in actuality he was destroying mercy — the message of the Torah and the Prophets, the slats and the guard rails of the bridge that is Messiah. Having no mercy to stand on, he fell and took others with him, ignoring the cries of those further along down the road to repent and turn back to God.

It is human nature to believe we have arrived, to take our eyes off the prize and become more focused on the deception than on the truth. We start out in such deception, “our fathers have inherited lies” (Jer 16:19) and we get a bit of truth and it is a great temptation to turn around and view those lies with contempt. If that contempt is greater than our desire for truth, we will not turn back around. There is a difference between glancing back over your shoulder to offer encouragement to those behind you and turning around and facing the opposite direction. I see people completely derailed by the idea that it is their personal ministry to expose lies — in fact it’s all I ever see them do and they are out in droves on facebook. They are so intent on burning the bridge (interesting that I wrote bride first) behind them that they forget that the point of the bridge is to lead someone out of falsehood — it is a step by step process, there are no shortcuts. Lies must be personally confronted one by one — as King Josiah showed us, the idols had to be destroyed from the land one at a time. As Joshua and Caleb showed us, the enemies must be killed or driven out one by one, town by town, and we don’t dare turn around like Lot’s wife because when we focus on the deception, on the sin, on what is behind us, forgetting to press on in endurance, it is then that we are overcome.

So you know the Name of Yeshua and YHVH, you know some Torah, you’re Spirit baptized, you know the Gospel that Messiah preached, you know the book of Revelation — do not become so impressed with these things that you stop striving forward. Going forward takes far more humility and love than turning around with a sneer on your face. As you go forward, call an encouraging word over your shoulder so that people in darkness can hear and find the path, but don’t think you can stand your ground, facing in the wrong direction, and do anything other than hold people up. Do not dare to trample upon the mercy given you (and that path IS the mercy of Elohim), do not dare destroy the path for others, do not dare despise the path! You did not create the path, it is not yours to destroy. No one gets to the other side of the chasm in this lifetime, and so we need to keep going forward.

Addendum: This teaching came out last week, and I wish I had heard it years ago because I learned all this the hard way. This teaching goes far beyond what I wrote myself — http://www.houseofdavidfellowship.com/archives.htm September 6, 2014 — The Weightier Matters of Torah. I would also recommend Rico Cortes’, Ryan White’s, and Daniel McGirr’s teachings on Righteousness and Justice at www.wisdomintorah.com.

Developing Godly Character Pt 8: Who is the Proverbs 31 Woman? (The answer might surprise you)

This is an article I wrote back in February based on a revelation that really changed my life. I pray it blesses you as well.

I had secretly hated that Proverbs 31 woman for years–that uppity overachiever. I wanted to smack her hard. Oh yes, I have seen the Mighty Warrior teachings and all that–but it never stopped me from hating her. Mostly because this is how I read it:

She gets up bright and chipper every morning and makes breakfast for everyone

Her children rise up without complaint and thank her for the wake-up call, they are perfectly behaved and all straight-A students.

She dresses them in the finest fashions, and she never has a hair out of place

She is beautiful, with no unwanted fat, and she never ages.

She gets pregnant when she wants to, without problems or miscarriages, and she is a perfect lover for her husband because she never tires.

She provides her family with tasty, gourmet dishes.

She has her own home-based business, despite homeschooling her perfect brood.

Her husband loves to show her off because she is still so smokin’ hot.

She is smart, and witty and always knows the right thing to say and do.

Her children never fight, they love and respect her too much for that.

She tirelessly does charity work because her family is so well-functioning they hardly need her at all.

Her children become doctors and lawyers.

Need I go on? But yesterday, on my way back from shopping, I heard the voice of the Spirit.

Is she beautiful? Is she thin?–or is she judged by what she does? Does it say she has to do all of those things–is it a “to do” list, or is there something larger being communicated?

I was looking at Proverbs 31 as a to-do list that I was failing to measure up to–not as a picture of a woman who is there for people, meeting whatever needs she can meet. And I realized that she isn’t my enemy, after all, she is actually an idealized version of who I already am. She isn’t judged by how she looks, only by the fact that she dresses in accordance with her husband’s esteem. Nothing is said about her face, or her love handles, or about how her children behave or achieve. Or even if she ever gave birth or not. Here is the TDR (Tyler Dawn Rosenquist) version of Proverbs 31 (aka the unauthorized version):

Her husband trusts her–she is not a trophy or arm candy. She is an asset to his life and greatly valued. She treats him well and cares for him. She purchases what is needed and from her purchases provides for the entire family. She makes sure they are fed, and takes care of their employees as well, not mistreating them. She is recognized as smart enough to make financial decisions for the family, and does not squander the benefits of it. She makes sure her family is clothed and clean. She ensures that they have warm clothes for the winter months, and she sees to it that her house repairs are not neglected so that the family will not suffer cold. She never embarrasses her husband, nor does she drive him to poverty with frivolous spending–leaving him free to do the things he needs to do. She uses her skills for those who have need of them–whether they need food made, or to be clothed, their house cleaned during times of illness, a shoulder to cry on, or lips to offer prayers. She is such a blessing to people that they don’t notice how she looks, they notice who she is. She studies the Word of God and it seasons her speech. She doesn’t neglect to keep track of her household, the finances, and the needs of her family. She doesn’t let them lack so that she can be lazy all the time–they have clean clothes, food to eat and shelter. Her husband and children call her blessed and they appreciate her (adding this: even though the kids might say otherwise when they get angry). Loveliness can sway a man’s heart into an unsuitable match, prettiness can lead to vanity, and youth withers. Find a woman who fears God–don’t hold her back or deny her credit for what she accomplishes. Let people judge her by who she is and what she does.

Are you sure you aren’t a Proverbs 31 woman? The Proverbs 31 woman is not superwoman, she simply does and does and does. She is not etched in marble but etched into the lives of the people she serves. That list was never supposed to be a to-do list, but a recognition of the things an excellent woman is capable of and does on an everyday basis, or at least as needed.

An excellent woman is not thin, or gorgeous–if she was then most of us would have a good reason to judge God for not making us physically attractive in the eyes of the world. That is Greek thinking when we judge our excellence according to how things look–we need to judge our excellence based on what we do. The Greeks worshiped “perfect” beauty, we really can’t afford to follow in their footsteps.

When your child takes the wrong path, were all your labors truly in vain? If you put on a bunch of weight having children, does it diminish the care you give to others? What is, like me, you can’t have children at all–are you lacking as a human being? If you lack the ability to teach your own children, are you a failure for having someone else to it? Or do you get credit for providing for their education as you are able? Do you do and do and do and do? Are your family’s needs (wants aren’t vitally important) met within your ability to provide? Isn’t that excellent enough for you?

Sometimes it is as important to read what a verse says as it is to find out what the verse does not say. I challenge everyone to go through Proverbs 31 and see if the standards you hold yourself to are NOT written there. Why hold yourself to standards that do not define the biblical ideal of feminine excellence?

And while we are at it — you will notice something important about the woman in the sculpture — the ideal Greek woman, a beautiful woman to be sure, but apart from having no tan whatsoever, she also has no arms. The perfect Hebrew woman would have arms, to do and do and do and do — and then rest on the Sabbath.